My Teen Advice

Signs That My Relationship Is Healthy!

Finding someone who is a good fit for you is hard! And even harder is the fact that that person has to feel that you are a good fit for him or her as well. If you do actually find yourself in this situation where you like someone who likes you back, other things in your life don’t matter so much. Who cares if your mom made you wash the dishes or your failed that biology quiz? THAT boy likes you and the world is great!

Walking around in a silly daze is completely normal when you have a new boyfriend or girlfriend - as long as eventually your head starts to clear and you can think straight again! Sometimes a dazed and giddy mindset stops you from seeing that the relationship you are in is not healthy or safe for you.

So what exactly makes a relationship healthy? First of all, both people have to be treating each other with kindness and respect. If you are not completely sure if this is happening in your relationship, think about these things:

* Do you respect each other?
- Does your new guy or girl like you for YOU and realize what about you makes you special and unique?
- Do they know how funny you are, or what you like to watch on TV on Tuesday nights? Do they like those things about you?
- Respect means that you both know about a lot about each other - and accept those things. If you have to pretend to hate American Idol for your current love interest to like you, there is not a sense of mutual respect.

* Is there a sense of trust?
- Imagine that your boyfriend comes down the hall just as you hand a piece of paper to another boy. What does he do? Does he freak out and assume you are writing that boy love poems or other silliness? Or does he realize the truth - that you are letting him copy your notes from history?
- A little bit of jealousy is OK, but if the person you are dating starts to make rules about who you can and can’t talk to, it’s no longer healthy or safe.

* Can you be honest with each other?
- Does your girlfriend tell you the truth? Or do you know that sometimes she lies to you? If you are dating someone who feels a need to lie to you, it’s not a healthy relationship.
- Do you feel a need to lie about your interests, religion, hobbies or friends in order to keep your boyfriend? If you do, it’s not a healthy relationship.
* Do you support each other?
- Does your girlfriend cheer you on at your basketball game?
- Does your boyfriend understand and accept it when you choose not to go on Friday night in order to write that massive term paper?
- Supporting each other means understanding that sometimes other things come before the relationship and cheering each other on to success, as well as being there for comfort when the other one fails.
* Is there a sense of fairness in your relationship?
- Do you hang out with just his friends? Or just yours? Do you take turns paying for dates? Does one person always do all the planning, calling and saying “I love you”? If so, that’s not a healthy, balanced relationship.
* Do you still have a life outside of this relationship?
- Do you hang out with your friends separately?
- Is the relationship interfering with your family life and obligations?
- Have you let go of your hobbies and other interests to make more time for this relationship?
- All of these things are signs that this relationship is not healthy.
* How well do you communicate?
- Are you always fighting because of misunderstandings? Or do you never fight because you are both too scare to speak your minds?

So is my relationship really unhealthy?

Think about your answers to the above questions. An unhealthy relationship usually involves some kind of disrespect or one person controlling the other person’s time, friends, or interests. In really bad cases, an unhealthy relationship might involve abuse. Sometimes it’s hard if you have grown up in a family where unhealthy relationships are normal, you may think it’s OK to date someone who treats you badly if you have always been treated that way. Or maybe one of your parents is very controlling of the other and so you think that is normal. It’s not ever normal to be rude, disrespectful, controlling or violent towards another person.

A healthy relationship should revolve around the concept of kindness. If your boyfriend or girlfriend sends you a text to say “Thinking of you” when you have to go get a root canal, that’s healthy! If your significant other buys you a candy bar just because, that’s healthy and kind. A person who does not know how to be kind is not worth dating - you can’t fix that person’s problems and it’s not fair to you to stay in that relationship.

How do I know for sure? What are the signs that my relationship is unhealthy?

Clear signs that your relationship is unhealthy include a boyfriend or girlfriend who uses unkind language such as insults, put downs, or any kind of rude remarks on a constant basis. If he or she ever hits you, slaps you or forces you to do anything sexual that you do not want to, it is for sure an unhealthy relationship. None of these things are normal and you can’t make excuses or rationalize them away.

Another clear sign is if your boyfriend/girlfriend tries to tell you who you can or can’t be friends with, where you should go to college, to stop talking to your parents, or any other type of control. It’s not OK.

You may not have noticed but most teens don’t date the same person for very long - a few weeks or a few months at the very most. In your teens, you are still trying to figure out who the heck you are and where you are going. So when you pair up with another person who doesn’t know who HE is or where HE is going, you get two confused people who are constantly changing and growing. That’s why teens break up before those flowers from Valentine’s Day even wilt!

Want to make sure that your relationship is a great one? Look at the person you are interested in. Would you want to be friends with that person if you knew you’d never date them? If you would never actually be friends with that person, it’s probably a good sign that you would never have a health relationship with that person.